McTerminator 4: Full Throttle

Word on the street is that Christian Bale has signed on to play John Connor in not one, but three new “Terminator” movies. The idea of doing more of these movies seems a bit odd, but Christian Bale doesn’t make too many bad choices in his career, so I trust that at least he sees something in them. However, on the flipside, it appears that legendary (wink wink) auteur McG, of “Charlie’s Angels” and “Charlies Angel’s 2: Full Throttle,” has been tapped to direct the new Terminator franchise.

The question is if Christian Bale’s goodness outpowers McG’s badness or vice versa. Perhaps McG actually does have some skills and the studio that produced the “Charlie’s Angels” movies didn’t allow him to flourish. But his name is McG, so…..hmmmm…. I guess we’ll see.

Already signing on for three new “Terminator”‘s before the first one is even made seems to be a big commitment on Bale’s part. I don’t understand why every franchise has to come in three’s nowadays. In these cycles, usually the first one is the best one; in the second one everything gets bigger, brighter and more improved, but the plot sucks; and the third one completely peters out and ends the franchise on a sour note and almost destroys the legacy of the first one. There are exceptions to this rule, but unfortunately not often enough.

Of course with “Terminator,” there are already are three of them, so these will be 4, 5, and 6, similar to those “Star Wars” prequels. Everyone loved those. Right? Anyone? Bueller?

This is What David Archuleta Looks Like When He’s Angry

 

This is what David Archuleta looks like when he’s happy….

This is what David Archuleta looks like when he’s sad….

This is at least partly why “American Idol”‘s ratings are down again this year. The top singers have little to no personaility, with Archuleta leading the charge in this department. Yes, the boy can sing. But personality matters just as much when you are a pop star – the people have to have something to grasp onto, and Archuleta’s got no handles, besides the fact that he has a cool sounding last name.

If he wins, the only people who will buy his records are kids 10 and under, and women over 70 - no one in between. If he wins, which I’m guessing he will, he has more of a chance of becoming the next Jonas Brothers or Zac Efron than Justin Timberlake. This wouldn’t be a problem if “American Idol” billed itself as “Star Search”, but it claims to be finding the country’s next “Idol,” which you think would appeal to people whose voices have already cracked.

David Cook also has some pipes, and he could win, and he probably would be more successful in the marketplace. However, I get the sense that Top 40 stations already have enough Nickelback’s and Daughtry’s out there, and that’s exactly what Cook is. Maybe he’ll do us a favor and transform into a funk artist if he wins. We don’t have enough of those out there.

Syesha Mercado won’t win, which is a shame because she’s pretty good and has somewhat more of a personality than those other two. However, she’s been on the brink of elimination the whole year and this week is unfortunately her week to go because we know America can’t get enough of those Davids. My vote was for Chikezie – it’s a damn shame he had to go so early.

When turning cartoons into people goes bad

Well, Warner Bros.’ $160 million “Speed Racer” tanked this weekend, only making about $20 million for a third place box office finish. It didn’t get good reviews – the general consensus among critics was that the plot was dumb as hell and the visuals were cool for about five to ten minutes, but become overbearing after that.

Apparently all the 10-year-old boys that Warner Bros. was hoping to draw were out seeing “Iron Man” again and the nostalgia factor for people who watched the “Speed Racer” cartoon back in the day didn’t kick in either, because they were out seeing “Iron Man” too.

“Speed Racer” and “Iron Man” represent an interesting case study. They’re both based on sources that appeal mostly to comic book/cartoon geeks and they both have have big budgets. But the difference is ”Iron Man” got generally good reviews where as “Speed Racer” did not. And lo and behold, what happened? “Iron Man” brought out the masses (the majority of whom had never read an “Iron Man” comic in their life) and “Speed Racer” tanked.

So it goes to show you, producers. Sometimes you actually have to make the movie good. CGI effects can only do so much.

  

Even Better than the Real Thing

According to FMQB, P. Diddy (or whatever variation of that he wants us to call him) recently visited the set of the Notorious B.I.G. biopic that is currently filming and was so taken aback with Derek Luke’s portrayal of himself, he had to leave. “I had to leave, cause he was acting just like me,” the astute Didster said.

He also had high compliments for Jamal “Gravy” Woolard, who is playing Biggie. “Gravy’s killing it. If I tell you he’s killing it, then that’s all we need to say, you know what I’m saying? I don’t think anybody could have done a better job,” he said.

I have yet to see any footage, but I don’t doubt the actors are doing a good job. However, for me, biopics about recent people all seem to have the same problem in that, no matter how good the actors are, I would just as soon watch a documentary on the person using real footage. Jaime Foxx and Joaquin Phoenix both did amazing jobs in their respective biopics, but I can easily watch footage of the real Ray Charles or Johnny Cash. Ditto for Jim Carrey in “Man on the Moon” and the same goes for the upcoming Biggie one as well. 

It works better when the person lived so long ago, there is no video of them. When I think of what Queen Elizabeth I looked like, I think of Cate Blanchett. But when I think of what Johnny Cash looked like, I think of Johnny Cash, not Joaquin dressed up to to look like him. Am I saying biopics of recently deceased people shouldn’t be made? No. I’m just stumping for more documentaries on rock stars. Long live Motley Crue “Behind the Music!”  

 

Cheesy Disaster Movie: Best if consumed by 1996

The 1990s was the decade of the disaster movie. Natural disasters must have had some pretty good agents back then, because they were all getting their own movies. Volcanoes got two of them – “Volcano” and “Dante’s Peak.” Even rain got in on the action with Christian Slater’s “Hard Rain,” about as dumb a title as any could imagine.

Of course one of the big ones was 1996′s “Twister,” which comes out Tuesday in a two-disc special edition DVD. Yes, I’m giggling too. Seriously, does anyone even watch these movies anymore? It’s a cold hard fact that the majority of movies do not age well, but disaster movies tend to have an even shorter shelf life than most. The problem is that most of their entertainment value lies in the special effects, which in 1996 were just not that special compared to technology we have today.

Therefore the site of a flying cow caught in a twister does not pack the same kind of punch today as it might have 12 years ago. And it’s not like people will be buying this special edition DVD to revisit the romantic chemistry of Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton.

Pretty much all the disaster movies from the 90s have disappeared from society’s collective memory, and we’re all ok for it. I’m sure some people might find some sentimental value in revisiting “Twister”, much in the same way an adult finds sentimental value in re-watching some of the cartoons they watched when they were little and discovering they were horrible. But to expand it to a 2-disc special edition DVD complete with behind-the-scenes featurettes and all that jazz seems a bit much, no? 

These are the Top 5 songs in the country: Do you know where your children are?

The Top 5 singles in the country now are:

1. Leona Lewis – “Bleeding Love”

2. Lil Wayne featuring Static Major – “Lollipop”

3. Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown – “No Air”

4. Madonna featuring Justin Timberlake “4 Minutes to Save the World”

5. Usher Featuring Young Jeezy “Love in this Club”

Tally that up and you got one Brit, One American Idol, one Li’l rapper, one young rapper, the old Usher (Usher), the new Usher (Chris Brown), one 50-year old pop star and one recovering Tiger Beat pin up. Justin Timberlake seems old compared with the rest of this crew, so I won’t even start on Madonna. But you gotta hand it to her, her abs probably look as good as Usher’s right now and she appears on her new album cover in dominatrix gear. I bet your 50-year-old 8th grade English teacher wouldn’t have done that.

 

 

“Made of predictability”

So that “Made of Honor” movie came out today. I’m not planning on forking over $9 to see it. I can pretty much guess what’s going to happen in it based on the 30 second preview…. 

Patrick Dempsey harbors the lovey feelings for his longtime female best friend….just when he is about to spill the beans, the gal announces she A) has a new boyfriend B) is totally in love! C) is getting married! and D) Wants him to be her Maid of Honor!!!!.

Wacky hijinks ensue over the next hour while she prepares for the wedding and he decides whether he should tell her how he really feels. At the end, he does tell her, and then one of two things happen….she A) says “I’ve always felt that way too,” and  they get together and get married or B) “I’ve always felt that way too”, but your opportunity is gone and I’m in love with my new man” and he realizes he just wants her to be happy and it ends up being a slightly less happy ending, but happy nonetheless. If its scenario B, he probably ends up falling for her wacky friend anyway.

The plot is strikingly similar to “My Best Friend’s Wedding”. But since all romantic comedies, even the good ones, are usually derivative anyway, I don’t find this that odd. They are predictable because that’s what people like. If a romantic comedy for some reason doesn’t have a happy ending, it is probably showing at your local independent cinema, starring lesser known actors who wear quirky clothes and like to collect vinyl.

If anyone has actually seen this movie, please let me know if I’m correct.  

Top 10 Greatest Voices

All of you know a crooner. Not everyone can sing, but everyone knows someone who can kind of sing on key. Chances are this person can sing along on the radio pretty well with famous mike fiends ranging from Sinatra and Paul McCartney to Neil Diamond and Beyonce. However, much better than a good and proper singing voice is one that is distinct, rough around the edges, yet still good. Here is my list of the top 10 voices in the history of rock n’ roll. You won’t find Sinatra or Paul McCartney or Aretha as great as they may be. For me, the best are the most unique. Voices that can not be duplicated or imitated very easily.

10. Joe Cocker

This dude is British and is probably best known for covering the Beatles’ “With a Little Help from My Friends” and is therefore just as well known for singing the theme song to “The Wonder Years.” Most of his best-known songs are covers, so he loses points on the creativity side, but that voice is hard to argue with. John Belushi did a damn good impression of him as well.

9. David Bowie

Bowie’s voice is what Frank Sinatra would sound like if he was born 30 years later and was an androgenous lanky space-alien type gent who called himself Ziggy.

8. Mick Jagger

I don’t what it is, but there is something oddly endearing about scrawny white boys from England with big lips trying to sound like old American blues dudes and/or country hicks.

7. John Fogerty

Who doesn’t like Creedence? No one – that’s who. From hipsters to boomers to grandmas to six year olds, CCR will always be a crowd pleaser.

6. Janis Joplin

Janis has the classic gargle-on-gravel type voice few possess, except that woman who works at the DMV, but I doubt she has Janis’ stage presence.

5. Jeff Tweedy

Tweedy, frontman for Wilco, is the youngest person on this list. It doesn’t hurt that he writes amazing songs, but even if he was singing the “Sesame Street” theme song, it would sound pretty bitchin’, as the kids would say.

4. Robert Plant

Anything that needs to be said about Robert Plant has already been said.

3. Bob Seger

Yes that Chevy commercial song kind of sucked, and he was not immune to lameness later in his career, but his early Detroit working-class man records displayed one of the coolest voices ever.

2. Otis Redding

There are a lot of good soul singers. None compare to this guy.

1. Rod Stewart

Even more so than Seger, Stewart has made a ridiculous number of head-scratching career moves throughout his life, but his early stuff with the Faces and his first four solo albums in the 70s are some of the best rock n’ roll ever recorded and show what his voice can do when he is in the right mood. So there it is- Rod “Spandex-wearin’, Blondes have more Fun havin’, D’ya Think I’m Sexy askin’” Stewart is the greatest singer of all time.

A Tribute to Simple Music Videos

Most modern music videos have large budgets, catered food, back-up dancers, costume changes and a camera cut about once every .5 seconds. Some of them allegedly have plots, but they tend to be difficult to follow with all the distractions. This is a tribute to five videos that are ridiculously simple in premise, but are more memorable than most videos made in the last 10 years, that had much bigger budgets.

The Rolling Stones’ “Waiting on a Friend” has a pretty basic plot – Mick Jagger waits on some steps, Keith Richards meets him there, and they walk down the street to the corner bar where Ronnie Wood is waiting. That’s it.

In Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Looking Out my Back Door”, the band sit around and play the song…and smile….a lot. That’s it.

In the Beatles’ “Something,” the four lads goof around in a park with their respective ladies. That’s it.

In the Clash’s “Rock the Casbah,” the band sings and bounces around in an oil field while an Arab hitchhikes with a Jew and goes to a Burger King. There’s an armadillo in there for some reason too.

In Michael Jackson’s “Rock With You,” the lad dances in front of a couple cool lights in a ridiculous sequined suit. I’m guessing MJ’s wardrobe constituted 86 percent of the budget on this one.

All Aboard the Stankonia Express

4/8 of Outkast, Big Boi, announced today that his solo album, Sir Luscious Left Foot: The Son of Chico Dusty, will come out in July. It’s nice to see Outkast are still makin stuff, because they seem to be the only rappers out there who get any sort of mainstream press that are willing to embrace goofiness. Just look at the name of that album – it looks like it could be the title of a Beck or Pavement album, and I mean that as a compliment. Compared with his Outkast brethren, Andre 3000, Big Boi, seems to be the conventional one, but you can tell even he has a bit of an experimental side. Can you imagine Jay-Z or 50 Cent naming their album Sir Luscious Left Foot: The Son of Chico Dusty? No you couldn’t.

Word is that Andre’s solo album will be out later this year and a new Outkast album will come out in the beginning of 2009. Their last one, Idlewild, didn’t really excite critics or the sales charts. Perhaps on this next one they can return to their late-90′s peak form. But that’s probably expecting too much. Maybe they”ll re-emerge as Dust Bowl balladeerin’, acoustic guitar slingin’ folk artists who have the ability to talk really fast in rhyme-form. That’d be a nice change of pace.